I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks. Even though I have yet to be official diagnosed, I have suffered from this since I was 11. When I get an attack I get sharp chest pains, I feel I can't breath, my palms sweat, I go dizzy, I can't make eye contact and I just want to escape from everything. This usually happens at night, but has just recently happened at school because of all that's happened recently. I also have symptoms of social anxiety disorder. Social anxiety disorder or social phobia is the fear of being scrutinized, judged, or embarrassed in public. You feel afraid that people will think badly of you or that you won’t measure up in comparison to others, that leaves you feeling anxious, but I am trying to work on that day by day. I haven't really told anyone about it as I don't know how to. At the moment I am struggling, I feel hopeless and helpless, I'm always crying and feeling sad, I feel guilty, I have no motivation or interest in things I love any more and I'm even having suicidal thoughts. I have no energy, don't feel like eating anything, and have unexplained aches and pains. As you can see my anxiety has gotten really severe over these past couple of days and I just want to get a diagnosis, but don't know where to go. People think Anxiety is nothing, but nobody will ever know what it feels like until they go through it themselves. I strive to fight anxiety as I would like to be a singer-songwriter one day, very soon. I know I can do it because even in my hardships I still want it so bad. Even though anxiety sometimes gets too hard to bare that I lose all determination, I'm trying to hold on to life and not let anxiety become my future.
I'm a Christian even though I don't follow every single detail in the bible. I believe there is someone or something up there watching us, helping us, guiding us in everything we do so we can get the best out of life. Its just up to us to follow them or go the wrong way, live the wrong life, suffer the consequences. I don't have the best life, but I make the most of what I have and work hard to make it better. With a Mum and Dad that kept arguing and walking out on you at a tender age. With violent brothers that stole of your Mum to sell and buy drugs and stuff. I had a hard childhood watching people in pain before I even could speak a single word and knowing stuff I was too young to understand, but I'm just grateful it isn't the worst and I wouldn't change it for the world because I have equally as good memories as bad.
My dream is to become a singer, a performer, a inspiration. Not just for fame and fortune but to be known, to be noticed, to be loved and to make people smile like Michael Jackson did to me. I want to wake up every morning knowing that I made a difference, that I left my footprints on the earth for all to see and when I'm gone I will be remembered always. I always loved to sing, but never thought I could be a professional singer. I never really listened to music (only gospel) or watched TV (only kids programs like Disney channel) because my Mum didn't let me, she didn't want me to know about that side of life. I now know it can be confusing and messed up at times. It wasn't until my sister showed me music that I became interested in it. I learned songs fast and understood them, people recognised me not just as a shy girl but as a singer. I began to write my own songs and sing more. I joined a Choir at my School but I wanted more than that I wanted to sing a solo so I took an audition and I got my first solo the next year. They also told me I should take up singing lessons because I had a lot of potential. So I did. People started noticing me the more I sang and I was know all over the school as a singer.
The person that inspired me the most was Michael Jackson. He was a singer, actor, artist, songwriter, dancer, story writer, choreographer, poet, who had a good sense of style. He was also beautiful, caring and a great humanitarian. He was so many things to so many people but to me he is an angel that saved my life. He was shy too, like me, which I admired because I thought I could never be a singer, I thought I was too shy to be one but when he's on stage he said he's a whole different person as if its a whole different world. I'm like him in that way, when I'm on stage I feel at home like no one can stop me. He, what he does, who he is, inspires me a lot. Michael is my icon, my inspiration, my life, my love, my angel, and not many people understand that. They never understand me.
The person that inspired me the most was Michael Jackson. He was a singer, actor, artist, songwriter, dancer, story writer, choreographer, poet, who had a good sense of style. He was also beautiful, caring and a great humanitarian. He was so many things to so many people but to me he is an angel that saved my life. He was shy too, like me, which I admired because I thought I could never be a singer, I thought I was too shy to be one but when he's on stage he said he's a whole different person as if its a whole different world. I'm like him in that way, when I'm on stage I feel at home like no one can stop me. He, what he does, who he is, inspires me a lot. Michael is my icon, my inspiration, my life, my love, my angel, and not many people understand that. They never understand me.
I like to speak through creative things, that's how I tell people how I'm feeling, through music, words and pictures. I've always been like that and I can't change that, but I will learn to build on it and grow as a person, as a singer because that's what I was born to do, to be. I can't see myself doing or being anything different. I sing songs that I mean, I don't sing it if I don't mean it. Dreams are like babies you just have to try and try again, even if you tumble and fall because if you don't, you'll never learn how to walk. When one door closes there's always another open around the corner, you just have to be determined enough to find it. Even if it feels to hard, to far away, I believe God doesn't give us anything we can't handle.
Be the change you wish to see . . .
